“I love you” came out of his mouth within the first month of our relationship, and I feel like I should have known my feelings for him then, but I didn’t. It took me a year and a half to figure it out. If I think about it, I knew in the back of my mind what I wanted, but I couldn’t admit it to myself.
We live in a society where as soon as he says those three strong words, that’s it. Your fate is sealed. In a way, you’re almost forced to say it back whether you feel the same way or not. I fell for it. A lot of us do. It took a long time for me to figure out that it was okay to not feel the same way.
The highs I had with my former boyfriend reached new altitudes that I hadn’t reached before. In those moments, I convinced myself I did love him because I was so happy and I was having so much fun and he made me feel so different. Then, I realized that love isn’t just based off of those highs. When you are flat out in love with a person, you have to love them through the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Our relationship was serious. He talked about the future he saw with us together. He dreamt of marrying me, and so I did the same. I thought that’s what I wanted. I told myself that I should settle, because there may not be anyone else out there for me. If I ran, this could be it.
He gave 120% into our relationship maybe for one day, every two weeks. The other days were maybe 25%, maybe 50%. After a while of him rarely giving his full effort into our relationship, I had to come to terms that I could no longer put on this facade that I loved him. I had to come clean and tell him the truth, and that scared the hell out of me.
My advice to anyone out there who may feel the same way I did, is to do it sooner rather than later. Not just for you, but for him. It saves him a load of hurt. It allows him to move on faster. It makes things a lot less complicated. As for you who is going through it, admitting the truth not just to him but to yourself instead of hiding behind a web of lies has a deeper feeling than I could ever describe. I thought I was happy before, but now I feel happy and free. Before, I must have been chained down, I felt heavy, and as if I could only breathe a certain way. Admitting my true feelings has made me feel lighter than I could have ever felt. I feel stronger and more confident, like I’ve gained back control to my life.
Just because a guy loves you, doesn’t mean that you have to feel the same way. He may be nice and he may treat you well, and he may even make you feel beautiful, but you aren’t a terrible person for not feeling the same way. Don’t be afraid of not loving them, just embrace being a woman. It will give you this knew sense of power you didn’t know you had.